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Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Iron Maiden - Hallowed Be Thy Name / Nine Inch Nails - Only
Wow, I totally forgot about this blog.
It's amazing how you remember these things when you feel a bit contemplative/quixotic/sad.
I just want to apologise to anyone reading this that has been offended by my actions in the past two weeks - I can tell you now, that I have not been myself. I'm finding it hard to accustom to having nothing to do all of a sudden and subsequently i've lost all sensibility and the ability to stand back and look at situations from afar. This makes my decision making narrow-minded and not very well thought out. In short, i've been a douche. I never meant to hurt anybody. And i'm sorry if I have..
That is all.
I might write a real blog tomorrow, if I can be bothered.
Probably not.
Geh.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Warm Tape / Metallica - St. Anger / Nirvana - About A Girl
I think theres roughly 8 days until the end of the HSC (4 exams down, with ee1, ss and ipt to go..).
Okay firstly - My MSN is so broken and bad. It doesn't send what i say, and if it does actually get through - it's really delayed or you get everything i sent at once. *cries*
But yeah.. The HSC is going okay. And by okay, i mean i'd be really lucky to get an 80 UAI. Which is a far cry from the predicted 90 i had earlier in the year. *cries again*
Speaking of crying, I said goodbye to my dear maths tutor today, it was sad. I had the biggest urge to hug him, but i restrained myself (Yeah, i did say NO to a hug). Along with my heightened pre-test emotions, i got sad after he left. He was such a nice guy.
I feel so uncharacteristically emotional, as of late. I think it's the HSC. Stress doesn't get to me physically but in a subtle emotional sense. Usually i canhandle my emotions beautifully. Now i keep drowning in negative emotion (like lack of self esteem and incessant retrospective analysis) and finding it hard to resurface. It's getting better, but still. I hate the way that the HSC is such a large factor in determining your future. Thats whats fucking me up. It also doesn't help that i don't know how i feel about someone and the more i think about it, the more it confuses me. It's like a battle between illusion and reality - and i can't figure out which is which. I wanna talk to him about it, but it's not one of those things you just bring up. Or something that i can express effectively or eloquently. I think he'll be shocked if i tell him. PAH. Maybe i don't want to talk about it.
Tests are going mediocre. Not excelling, but i'm not failing either.
God, i'm not making sense. I'm going to go drown myself in Metallica and mope.
I can't wait until after the HSC.. i can have a *life* again! Remember that life thing? (Exercise? Recreation? Laughter? Freedom? Hmm.. vague memories, i know.)
I'm excited already.
Peace and Love, as always.
Alissa xx
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Deep Purple - Black Night / Gorillaz - Dare / The Ramones - Blitzkreig Bop
6 days, 17 hours, 37 minutes and 22 seconds until the HSC begins.
Study has been minimal. Laziness has been to the maximum. I just can't be bothered. Although, i have made a conscious effort to expand my vocabulary and knowledge of metalanguages for various subjects (both in english and french), including memorising some impressive sesquipedalians in a bid to improve my written form and intellectual vernacular. Cumulatively, i've only done about 13-14 hours of effective study in the past 3 weeks. Which is practically nothing. So lazy.
You guys will still love me if i'm on the dole.. right? Guys?
For those of you that didn't know, i went to Sofala for the holidays (2 weeks) with the pure intention to study but demonstrably, i let myself down. It was comparable to a concentration camp (in a soft-core sense). The highlights of my day were trips to the local town to get an icecream, cooking dinner and wednesday nights on ABC. Literally, it is so dull and mundane that the simple becomes sublime. It didn't help that Dad's idea of a 'study break' was setting a yabbie trap in the nearest river and making the 2 hour return hike to go check it everyday. In the end, we caught about 18 yabbies over two weeks (two dying before cooking - heartbreaking.). I spent alot of time watching them - all in the name of procrastination, of course. When their moment came, and they were submerged eternally, i cried. I didn't eat any out of respect for my little friends. They turned such a shocking red colour. I cried again.
Here are some photos of my babies.
 
In reality, they're pretty scary. They nip you and flick their tails violently when you touch them.
The support my family have given me has been wonderful. I lectured them on lecturing me about studying more and they laid off. When i have a random whim they support it, and when i'm frustrated they listened or told me to get over it. Daddy made me cups of tea while i studied. <3. They also put up with my incessant hugging. Well, Dad did anyway. Ha ha. I feel so unloved :p
I made a big mess in the kitchen today. I was using fabric dye on the stove and i got it everywhere. My mother is reprimanding me at this very moment. Uh, oh. I have some cleaning to doooo.
Before i go, Congratulations to James on his early entry into B Science (Biotechnology). Weeeeee! We're all proud of you nerd!
Peace and Love,
Alissa xx
Friday, September 09, 2005
Led Zeppelin - Since I've Been Loving You (Live) / Audioslave - Show Me How To Live
It has to be live, okay?
Not much happened this week. Last weekend, i went and stayed in Emma's room in ihouse college and went shopping.. chinese restaurant.. icecreamery.. the adult shop (HAHA) and she took me to north gong to show me the new toilets (WOW!). I enjoyed it. She bought me scratchies. Her friends are so nice!
Other than that, i have done NO study whatsoever. I probably should. The HSC is only 39 days away. The end of my schooling career only a mere 8 days away.
I'm not excited to finish school. No - i'm not some freaky learning enthusiast, but rather a quite insecure young person who doesn't know what they want or if they can get it. School is my security. School meant that i didn't have to think about the future, i just had to drone on in every day and maybe listen occasionally. It's piss easy. Leaving means the cessation of my beloved comfort zone. I hate leaving the comfort zone.
In hindsight, i wish i'd planned it better. I wish i was the right age for my year. I wish i got my l's as soon as i turned 16. I wish i asked out that guy in year 8. I wish i didn't waste my school years. I wish i embraced innocence.
I can wish all i like, but the fact is that this how it panned out. I'm blessed and contented about the way i've emerged and the people i'm surrounded with. I'm extremely lucky. But the fault of man (and woman) still prevails - i'll always want what i don't have.
I implore all of the people still at school to really think about what you do with what is meant to be the best years of your lives. Enjoy and embrace friends in a meaningful way and live life. Don't get to the end of school, just to sit in retrospect and feel pangs of regret like i do.
I think i should go get a life and start studying. Fuck this is a sad, sad existence. :P
It's almost over! (I'm almost excited!)
Next week is it, in terms of .. hmm. Wish me luck! I'm going to need it..
Peace and Love,
Alissa xx
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Queens Of The Stone Age - Go With The Flow
I AM: unnerved, tired, full.
I WANT: to know where i'm going in life. i also want someone
I WISH: i was 'better'
I HATE: crying over nothing, being unsure
I MISS: not doing anything; doing the things i like
I HEAR: the simpsons.. one of my fave episodes was just on!
I WONDER: if i will get into uni, or if i want to even go
I LOVE: pears
I ACHE: in my tummy
I ALWAYS: want to hug people - i'm overly affectionate, as of late.
I DANCE: when i want to, and frequently
I SING: when no one else can hear the music (ipod)
I CRY: over stupid things, i blame the stress of school
I WIN: .. i wish!
I LOSE: my l's logbook.. all the time.
I CONFUSE: myself with what i feel
I SHOULD: study more; be ballsier
Au mardi, ma francais parler HSC exammen was surprisingly simple, compared to the past papers. We're just lucky, i guess!
Geez, no blogging for a month and then two in a row!
I don't think they should be counted because both are pretty dodgy, i just wanted to do the quiz on this one.
I do a good one next time, promise. Comment and tell me about what to write on the next one (click "talk dirty to me")
I love you all. (even you randoms out there. i just want some huggin' lovin')
xx
Saturday, August 27, 2005
T.I - Bring Em Out / Iron Butterfly - In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida / BEP - My Humps
Before anyone asks, the stimulus booklet in the banner isn't mine - as much as i wish it was. The image puts me at ease and i thought i'd share the love.
I haven't blogged in ages. I don't even remember whats happened. Oh, trials - egh, prefer not to talk about it. The last social was this week, which actually was fun (the first one i enjoy is the last - go figure). You just have to make your own fun at these things. (Fun space! Fun space! No space. No space.)
Generally i've been quite a busy girl. Lots of things happening. In fact, there are so many things, i can't put it into words.
*edit* I deleted the rant because.. because because.
</rant>
Going to study for Monday's HSC French speaking.. This blog is BS but i wanted to introduce the new banner :P
Peace and Love,
Alissa xx
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Eagles Of Death Metal - I Only Want You
This song is so minty. It's kinda like alternative/old school/elvis. Such a weird combo but quite catchy.
There are tree-loppers outside. One looks like a scary rastafarian.. and he's topless. WOW. I'm impressed. AND THEY TALK IN CODE! But yes, we are getting the huge tree cut out of our front yard, which is bad. Because now when i try to describe where I live, i can't say "The house with the big tree out the front." .. i need a new identifier. "The house that my parents have been meaning to renovate for the past 8 years but have never gotten around to it". It was one massive tree. - R.I.P
Well, i'm procrastinating. I can't make myself do this english extension thing. It is so challenging. I'm really not a creative writer. At least i got 20/20 for my ext essay.
I know i said i'd blog earlier this week and honest to god - i tried to 5 times. I really wasn't inspired, but these tree-loppers were something to write about. I don't think it would be wise to delve into my inner thoughts at this point in time. I think some things should be kept private. Plus, if i could understand it myself - it would be nice. But i've always been a fan of "going with the flow" so regardless, i shall continue doing so. Hehe, another tree-lopper took his shirt off!
I have so much tuition in the next several days.
- Today (Thursday) - 1.5 hours of Driving Lesson (First lesson ever!)
- Friday - 1 hour Maths, 1 hour Driving
- Saturday - 1 hour Driving, Brad has 1 hour guitar
- Sunday - 2-3 hours of Maths.
Poor Dad. I really feel for him. The next 4 days alone, is going to cost $272.. eek.
I saw Mr Wilkinson in the library today and i couldn't stop laughing. For those of you that don't know, my tutor is Mr Wilkinson's son. So stupid. It was his dad.. hahahaha!
And Erica, your stories have now made me feel less inclined to voluntarily inebriate myself. Or maybe encouraged. Still in two minds about that one.
I should stop this pointless blog, right now. At least I got it over and done with. It really seems more like an obligation than a voluntary rant now.
And just for the record - I was NOT crying watching Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre-Dame", nor "My Girl". There was popcorn dust in my eyes.. aha - Don't beleive what anyone else tells you.
I need a hug. I feel affectionate today.
And I can't promise a better blog for next time.
Alissa xx
Monday, July 25, 2005
Haha, Qozz couldn't find his keys on the weekend and he had to sleep in his backyard.
I'll blog tomorrow
xx
Sunday, July 17, 2005
The Beatles - Back in the U.S.S.R / Adam Sandler - Grow Old With You
Time is so deceptive. My life has been transformed into an unfinished eclectic mess. And I just burnt my tongue on my cup of tea.
These holidays reeked of mediocrity. I spent the whole first week working, and an hour of friday sooking at work because i couldn't deal with being so busy throughout the week (Apologies for my anti-social behaviour.. I just wanted to sleep, and the net/phone wasn't going to stop me from doing so.)
The second week, however, held more promise. On Saturday, we drove all the way to Dubbo to see rellos, which was interesting. I love watching the dynamics in my extended family, theyre so tedious and intriguing. My cousin Matt's voice broke, which amused me immensly. They were all shocked at how much Brad has grown, and i very much agree.. my little boy is growing up so fast. We stayed in a motel too, which i always enjoy for some strange reason.
After that, we went to our house at Sofala - which was nice. I spent the whole week sleeping, eating, studying and playing with fire. Unfortunately, I didn't get to do as much work as i hoped to. I basically did nothing. But i did try to, honestly. I read Skull beneath the Skin, which was an acheivement in itself, and actually enjoyed it.
I drove 12 km's around a circuit at the top of our mountain/property, My first drive ever! It was steep and rough and bumpy and it was in a 70's farm model Daihatsu ute with a killer clutch. I learnt hill starts and how to change gear (shut up.). Brad says i'm a good, smooth driver.. fuck yeah!
It's kinda bittersweet to leave Sofala. Coming back here is like forcing myself to accept responsibility and return to an importunate, unforgiving state of normalcy. Leaving Sofala means the cessation of a happier, nostalgic reality. School is going to be hard and demanding. My emotions are getting ridiculously overbearing and i just feel too young for this.
Forgive my typical teenage animosity. I do have some hope and blind optimism welled up somewhere.. ^_^
My next blog will be buckets of happiness, promise. And better written.. this one reads funny :s
Peace and Love,
a contented Alissa
Friday, June 24, 2005
Audioslave - What You Are / Eminem - Ass Like That (Hate Eminem.. but it's soo catchy)
I'm going mad.
Mad. Crazy. Insane. Silly in the head.
This week has been hard. Monday was terrible - and nothing happened. It's confusing. I had an emergency mentor meeting with Heff, because I was distressed. I told her about the emotionless states that I go into, and had a bit of a cry about all my little problems everywhere, especially in English. Heff is great though. Very lucky to have her as a mentor. My inability to do creative writing is getting frustrating though. It's not really creative writing, but writing stories in a specific framework.. like Crime Fiction. I like my creativity free and wild! (Although many of you are aware of how dirty it sometimes gets - my erotic literature career is on hold! Don't worry Erica! ^_^) My imagination is limitless. And hyperactive. Sometimes, not a good thing. (Qozz, I do frequently dream about you in a batmobile)
My emotionless states. What can I say? The name (I think.) is pretty self-explanatory. I don't feel anything, i'm muted. Apparently, it's caused by stress. Wtf? If i'm like this now, imagine what a wreck i'll be just before the HSC.
Maybe it's the weather. All week, i've been feeling depressed (not in the medical sense, rather the metaphorical sense). Not upset or moody.. I like to describe it as emotionally volatile. And it's not PMS. So if I look like i'm about to cry, dismiss it as a silly school-girl phase and leave me be, I need the toughening up.
The whingy nature of this blog really doesn't exactly put me in the best light. As with life really. I feel that people don't get to see the real me.. well, maybe only bits and pieces of it. Rather, i think they get an annoying or weird side. It's always interesting to see peoples interpretations of who they think I am. Underestimated, overestimated, un-estimated - i've heard it all. So please, don't take this blog as an indication of my whole personality.. but a section.. thats been magnified and blown out of proportion.
Before I end this (haha, i know it's been boring!) I'd just like to take a second to tell you how wonderful my maths tutor is. I just had a two hour session, and surprisingly, I feel confident for next fridays test. And it's the first time ever i've ever been confident for maths, so this is big. It's always been my worst subject.. and it's kinda nice to feel like i actually CAN do it. For the first time, ever. Thankyou, Dean. Definetly worth the $20 an hour.
This time next week, i will be cheering - HOLIDAYS! (about fuckin' time too, i reckon.)
I like ending on that note of hope.
Peace and Love.
Alissa xx
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